October 21, 2011 FRIDAY (41)

I caught you, little sneek.

I think every child from ages 10-14 goes through a phase where they think they’re older than they are. By this I mean they try to wear clothes that are meant for 18+ year old people; they try make-up; they all of a sudden start wearing bra’s that are too big for them…bra’s that seem like they belong to someone else for that matter; they dramatically change their music genre’s from loving Justin Beiber into listening to Kanye West or Mayday Parade; they start to use slang while texting and via facebook…

And the funny part is usually this is hidden from their family members. The funny part is in order to get these things they usually steal from an older sibling. The funny part is the older siblings have a 6th sense as to knowing when they’re belongings are missing. The funny thing is…these younger siblings always get caught.

When I was younger I would always sneak into my older sister’s room and look through her things. Somehow I found that things I did not know the name and purpose of was more fascinating than my Polly Pocket dolls and random rocks I’d collect on the streets. One by one I’d rummage through her drawers until I would find her make-up and shirts that aren’t from Children’s Gap.

“Hannah give me back my bra and my mascara.”

“Why would I take your bra, I’m 10. And I don’t even wear make-up yet.” I say as I cover my eye lashes.

I found ways to hide what I would “borrow” from my older sister. Instead of taking new things that she would have recently bought I’d take older things and ones that she rarely used or wore. I learned fast to find new hiding spaces for every different item. I learned to hide all over the house as well and to never hide anything in my room, which was the number one spot she’d look in.

Because of this (and our 7 year age gap) my sister and I did not get along back in the days.

My little sister, who is also 7 years younger than I, is now in this ‘phase’. From my experience I’ve learned not to yell or get as angry as I should be. I learned to ignore it at times but if it gets bad then I’ll open up. But while this phase of hers is going on I’ve learned to have fun with it.

I snooped around her room because I realized an entire bunch of things were missing from my room and found it in her pink duffel bag today. Smart girl hiding it under a pile of dirty laundry.

But I know you little sister. I know your hiding places and I am sure that I know when my things are missing, especially when they are brand new and have been untouched with the price tag still on it the last time I touched them.

Suggestion: Don’t leave the price tag laying on the floor and have me wonder how it got there when I haven’t touched that shirt since I bought it.

And to those who have younger siblings or was a younger sibling, this phase I believe, should bring you closer. Just have fun with it.

October 20, 2011 THURSDAY (40)

Smokers stink.

Smokers kill.

Ban smoking.

I saw this sticker on one of the buildings in New York City. This building had cigarette butts all over it’s corner.

And to this I’d like to thank my asthma for preventing me from ever trying to smoke a cigarette. I don’t mean to sound as if I hate smokers with a burning passion. I have close family and friends who smoke; it just…isn’t for me. 

I’ve seen what it does to a good amount of people who smoke and don’t smoke physically and emotionally. 

To me, those few minutes I spend could be used to walk through the park, finish part of an essay, read part of a book,…be lazy on facebook..

And those few dollars spent on a box of cigarettes can be saved up to buy something important or something else that I’d want that would last forever.

Yeah, cigarettes do last forever in a way. They stay in your system and rot the living organs inside of you. Do smokers know this? I hope they do.

I also trust smokers that they know what they’re doing to themselves and their surrounding environment (friends and family). Some people who smoke out there could be the most caring people in the world, the smartest, the bravest, they could be everything. They’re normal people.

But for me they’re hurting themselves blindly. Hopefully you know what you’re doing to yourself. 

October 19, 2011 WEDNESDAY (39)

I found the most talented man sitting on the sidewalks of the great New York City, painting images with just his fingers; pictures that caught the emotion of the moment; painting pictures that are worth so much more than what he’s getting.

Money is still something I don’t understand. This little piece of paper that everyone strives for; that everyone cannot live without; this piece of paper that we need to live.

Money has been something I never understood, and still don’t understand, because I see so many struggling to obtain it; I see so many people try so hard in life to earn a few pieces of it; and I see so many people die for it.

Then again, I also see people who do nothing and gain plenty of it. This, I also do not understand.

I can’t tell if people are happy with money or if they’re happy with none or not having plenty of it.

Yes, I know we need money to buy the necessities for living, and yes, I am aware that money, so far, has paid for everything in this world (even planting trees and plants cost money now), but I feel like we could live without it.

Or at least, we can try.

But here’s the twist.

It’s not the ‘money handling’ that’s the problem in this world. The problem is the people living in competition with each other.

Don’t get me wrong, I like all the things we have and are able to buy…I want an iphone 4…but what I dislike is people who deserve money not having any. People who are talented and gifted and just…nice aren’t getting what they deserve. Even if it’s just a little ray of spotlight; nothing gets by without money.

What are we living for?

I’m sure that man I saw on the sidewalk of New York City is a very talented artist. I’m also sure that his job doesn’t give him the money he deserves. Again, what are we living for?

-JUST A THOUGHT.

October 18, 2011 TUESDAY (38)

I dislike being said no to, and I believe that that is the main reason I always say yes to others.

Whatever favors one asks of me I will say yes.

But of course it won’t be ridiculous things such as doing one’s homework or jumping off a cliff..

Usually I’d do the things people wouldn’t mind to do but most of the time I get asked requests that people don’t want to do. But I still don’t mind.

I’ll sit in the car with you for hours and hours driving some place.

I’ll go with you to your doctor and sit there, waiting for you to get your stitches off/ x-rays back.

I’ll sleep on the phone with you because you feel uneasy about something that’s on your mind.

I’ll even walk your dog for you while you’re away at a school field trip after school.

It’s not because I’m a push over. I know what right and wrong is…I know if someone’s just using me. And I don’t do it because I feel bad for you or feel that I owe you anything.

Maybe I do it because I like to do so many things that I don’t mind doing anything.

It could be because I want you to trust me and confide in me that if you ever, EVER, need anything, I WILL be there.

I just want to be a good friend. That’s all.

And with that, I want to hope that you’ll be there for me.

I don’t ask much; I won’t ask you to walk my dog in return for walking yours. No, nothing like that.

Things that I’ll ask in return?

walk with me to the park. listen to me rant about something. take a walk with me in silence. take a nap with me. let me cook you dinner. let me accompany you with your shopping. talk to me. talk with me. watch t.v with me after school and have a do nothing day with me.

Be my friend. That’s all.

Those are what my ‘yes’s mean to my doing favors. Is that too much?

October 17, 2011 MONDAY (37)

Yes. These are the shells I picked up from the beach that day we went; that day when you got upset that I was collecting prettier shells than you.

When you told me you were going to the beach with your sister and you could bring a friend I jumped to it right away. I like going to the beach, sippin on our juice boxes with sand between our toes. I liked running for the shells that washed up on shore and grabbing them before the waves took them back. I loved playing rock, paper, scissors to determine who would walk in the ice cold water first.

And I loved how, regardless if you knew I was upset or not, you didn’t ask, because the last thing I wanted was to talk.

But you’re always like that. and I like that you’re like that.

When I need someone I can always count on you.

And you listen to patiently and I can really feel that you actually care about what I’m saying.

The best part about that day was when we were running for sea shells. At that moment I realized I wasn’t thinking about what was upsetting me.

I’m sorry I got sand in your sandwich.

October 16, 2011 SUNDAY (36)

New York City.

So many endless blocks of lights and people. That’s what it is.

That’s what I love about it.

Seeing people up and about; seeing lights that never seem to be too tired in the late night. I love natural beauty, but there’s something about the city lights that get me.

Everyone is weird. As in, I feel like the people in this city are so comfortable with whatever they like; whatever they do and whatever they wear or say. It’s so much burden to care about what others think and being in the city I feel as if I am able to express myself without others looking down on me.

I’d love to be walking around at 4:00 a.m and see what’s going on; what types of people are awake at this hour doing what, and what I would be finding out in the corners of the streets. What excites me is the spontaneous feel about it…yeah. I think that’s it.

I love spontaneous ish.

October 15, 2011 SATURDAY (35) 

“I’m counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes And they all fall down.”

Hopefully many people will agree with me when I say that most people love to sleep.

(College application) List of activites: Active Tennis player, Save-a-whale-club, Chess team, Ranked number 3 in tri-state-area sleeping contest.

I would seriously use it as an accomplished activity that I like to partake in daily.
There are days where I could just nap for three hours; then again there are other days where I could nap for five hours.

What I like most about sleeping is dreaming.

Dream: A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep (Wikipedia)

When I look at the definition of what a ‘dream’ is I still somehow don’t understand what it is. I would sometimes get random dreams of people I’ve seen on the streets or only have met once in my life and they’d play the starring role of the movies that go on in my sleep. I would see places so vividly and smells so strong that I’d wake up feeling the dream to be real. Sometimes I’d look for things in real life that were only present in my dreams. I like to think most of my dreams or any dreams have meanings behind them but it’s hard to put much thought into it. I feel like in m dreams, I’m a different person with different beliefs and thoughts on things. I’ll have dreams completely opposite of how I think while I’m not asleep.

I also get the occasional ‘that’s what I really want’ dreams where I dream of what I’m missing that I don’t have while I’m not asleep. The problem with those are that they seem so real, so when I wake up I’m in such a weird mood.

And I’ll get the dreams where while I’m asleep, I’ll feel as if time hasn’t passed, and wake up feeling as it was 5 months earlier; as if the present hasn’t happened yet.
Moreover, I’m learning that my dreams usually depict what I truly want in life. In a way, I don’t want that. I don’t want to dream to only see what I can’t have. I don’t want to dream of something or someone that is and will never be there; I don’t want to actually want what I really want. I don’t want to dream of something so great and feels real only to wake up feeling a sense of loss. But, I’m also learning that my dreams, my ‘wants’, are what I should be fighting for; are what I should be chasing after. But then again, they are just dreams…

October 14, 2011 FRIDAY (34)

Dear you,

To start this letter off, I’m doing pretty fine.

I’m trying my best and to be honest I think I’m doing better than just ‘fine’. There are so many little ‘ishes’ I want to tell you and show you and I might as well very well open up my mind.

Dear you,

To my dismay I broke my rule. I broke my rule and told you all my little ‘ishes’ that had been going on so far. You giggled and laughed; I pouted and played the victim to your sarcasm.

Dear you,

There’s a little part of me that wishes I hadn’t broken my rule. I felt the stupidity crawl through my mind and stop down to my chest. It stayed there until I apologized.

Dear you,

I’m young and restless. I talk nonsense with my little ‘ishes’. I’m still trying to figure out this world and figure out myself so please don’t pay attention to me if I break these rules once in a while.

Dear you,

Please try to understand that I didn’t mean to fall so fast and hard. I don’t expect anything so you don’t need to worry for yourself.

October 13, 2011 THURSDAY (33)

I’m not scared that you might see this.

You were wearing this red button down with leggings, I remember. I had my hair half up, my favorite way to do my hair. This was around the spring…I want to say march.

I’ve thought about this moment for a while. I thought about what I could lose and what I could gain and sought for the option that would be the best in the long run. I realized that it’s impossible to think about the long run; people can change, time will definitely change, and no one knows what to expect of the future. That’s how I thought at least, back then and now, to not expect to actually ‘know’ my future but to be able to just guide it and let whatever happens, happen.

I got my usual cheese steak sandwich and sat there chowing down. Not much has changed about me to this day, except my weight….

I’ll admit that at that moment when I meant to confront you I still hadn’t made up my mind. I’ve never gone through such a situation where I’d be ‘choosing’ friends. I never had to. You never told me to. They never told me to. I never had to do any. I just had to really decide if what I’d be losing is worth losing while I don’t even think anything is worth losing.

I remember chickening out.

So I called you. And flat out told you,

Listen, I know what it’s like to still feel that way about someone. And I know what it’s like to feel the way you do when you see them with someone new. I know that, that new person is me but I honestly don’t mean anything. I don’t even think he looks at me that way but regardless, I’m going to stop because I don’t want someone to feel the way you do, specially since I KNOW how you feel and I think that that is the worst feeling. Worst than not being with that person….you’re my friend. Ho’s over Bro’s, right?

I want you to know that I’m still here for you.

You’re busy, I’m busy, but don’t assume that I don’t care. I do. And I do admit that I got caught up with my own life and having other groups of friends but if we’re the friends I thought we were, no matter the time and distance we should still be able to catch up without hating on each other for being apart.

I want you to know that I’m still here for you.

a letter to a long lost friend.

October 12, 2011 WEDNESDAY (32)

I hate not having a fast metabolism…watching this kid eat mcdonald’s.

And one day I told you that you’d be my inspiration for my first book.

You definitely will.

Monotone people: Unlike me, I express my emotions through my voice tones and my facial expressions as well as somehow using my body (flailing my hands/arms…wiggling one of my legs..)

You sir, make me wonder if you are being sarcastic or not.

which also makes me wonder if what I’m saying is too much or it’s something you don’t like.

I would make a better post about you, but my headache is killing me. Maybe this Saturday on our sibling outing to the movies to watch 50/50. …which I may add you did not sound excited for, or were you?